Dear Mr. Chipotle,
The other day I went for lunch with a prospective roommate and she asked for extra sour cream on her burrito. What does this mean? Should I live with this girl?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
The short answer to your question is “yes”: you should live with this girl. The long answer is as follows:
The fact that your prospective roommate had the guts to ask for extra of any of the ingredients is a good sign. For whatever reason, people tend to be abnormally passive in the Chipotle ordering line, almost as if they know it is a process that has been designed by a higher being and therefore would feel silly doing anything to interfere with it. I once asked for extra sour cream myself and it was one of the scarier things I have ever done. Before doing it I slammed a few shots of Makers just to get up the courage.
Now, the fact that out of all the ingredients your prospective roomate could’ve asked for more of she asked for sour cream is even more telling. Sour cream, for all you Chipotle amateurs, is the most important ingredient in the burrito. This may seem like a bold claim, so I’ll say it again: IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN THE BURRITO. It is the yin to the salsa’s yang. The mediator that keeps the rice from quarrelling with the beans. I once took a first date to Chipotle and when we got to the end of the ordering line she asked for NO sour cream. It was the first time I have ever considered hitting a girl.
To sum up, the fact that your prospective roommate enjoys sour cream tells me she has a refined palate. It tells me she’s intelligent. It tells me she has a visceral understanding of the words “synergy” and “cohesion.” The fact that she asked for EXTRA sour cream tells me she’s brave. It tells me she has courage. I would use the word “spunky” here but it’s one of my least favorite words of all time. Bottom line is this: If I was on Mount Everest and my expedition had to tether into teams of two to cross an icy crevasse, I would trust this girl with my life.
And trust is the most important quality in a roommate, right?
Sincerely,
Mr. Chipotle
This entry was written by , posted on March 6, 2009 at 3:23 pm, filed under Chipotle and tagged chicken burrito, mr. chipotle, sour cream, the ave, university way, uw. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Waiting for the bus yesterday I had an idea for a TV show. This often happens to me when I’m waiting for the bus, or in the shower—I have ideas that I think are awesome, but then later realize I was just really bored. Anyway, in my idea I was like Bam on Jackass—where he goes up to people on the street and does annoying shit—except I’d be like a Polite Jackass. For example:
I see a guy on the street. I’m at 1st and Seneca. “Do you know where Pike Market is?” I ask him. I don’t say Pike MARKET with the stress on the “market” to make it sound even somewhat close to Pikes Place Market, but PIKE Market, with the stress at the beginning.
“You mean Pikes Place Market?” he asks.
“No, no, I was told about a Pike Market.”
“Well, I don’t think that exists. I do know how to get to a Pikes PLACE Market, though.”
I pause. “But…you don’t know how to get to Pike Market?”
“Well, that’s just the thing: I don’t think there is a Pike Market. I think you’re thinking of Pikes PLACE Market.”
“With all due respect, sir, I think I’d know if there was no Pike Market.” I’d always be saying “with all due respect.” It would be one of my Polite Jackass trademarks. I’d be at McDonald’s and say to the guy, “With all due respect, sir, I ordered a cheeseburger.”
Anyway, the guy looks at me like I’m a lunatic so I just start rubbing my chin thoughtfully and say, “OK. What do they have there?”
“At Pikes Place market? Everything: fruit, fish, flowers, salmon, food.”
I pause and look pensive. “And what do they have at Pike Market?”
You get the idea. Really dumb, but also funny. Another idea I had was where I get onto a public transit bus and put a penny in the coin dispenser and ask, “Can i get a transfer?
Then the bus driver laughs or gets stern and says, “You didn’t put enough money in,” so with a concerned look on my face I say “How much is the fare?”
“A dollar fifty” he says, and I go, “Oh crap, crap, I’m sorry” and reach into my pocket and pull out a nickel and put it in the dispenser, and wait, looking at him expectantly. At this point he either gets really mad, or keeps laughing, or someone on the bus, probably someone demented or obese or wearing a dirty Mariners hat or listening to a transistor radio, loudly says, “Its a dollar fifty. You gotta put a dollar fifty in if you want to ride the bus. Stupid.”
And then I turn and say, “A dollar fifty? When did it go up?”
As you can see, I’m sitting on a veritable gold mine of ideas. And by “gold mine” I mean “pile,” and by “ideas” I mean “excrement.”
-Wetzler
This entry was written by , posted on January 2, 2009 at 7:30 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged busch light, key light, odegaard, suzzallo reading room, the ave, uw. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.