Keep hitting refresh to check out the video below, and also take a second to help me with this dilemma: I’m thinking about putting Where’s Wetzler on Facebook to drum up readership. The only problem: I hate Facebook. Your thoughts?
This entry was written by , posted on December 11, 2008 at 2:49 pm, filed under Capitol Hill, master cleanse, the boot and tagged beyonce, facebook, going public, master cleanse. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
“Mark, your father is outside barbecuing a flank steak and I’m just about done with the mashed potatoes. Would you come downstairs?”
I say nothing. Garlic, coriander and rosemary waft upstairs as if bee-lining for my nostrils. I hear my mother say, “Ouch! That’s hot,” as she pulls garlic bread out of the oven.
“Steak’s done!” exclaims my father proudly, closing the sliding-glass door behind him.
“Mark, will you please come downstairs? We’re about to eat.”
I stay silent. Has she forgotten? Is she doing this to torture me?
I hear footsteps making their way towards the bottom of the stairs. The footsteps start up the stairs.
“Mark, your father has just cooked a delicious flank steak and we’ve got mashed potatoes and garlic bread and sal — oh wait, you’re doing that stupid cleanse. Well, have fun with your lemonade!”
She giggles as she scampers down the stairs. “I got him good,” she says to my dad.
“Ha ha! What a douche bag!”
“Yeah. Let’s eat. I’m starving!”
End Scene.
This has become my life. I’m sick of it. I’m done. The Master Cleanse is stupid. It’s not healthy. Not consuming protein is not healthy.
I’ve made it past the hard part—the “three days”—and I’m not stoked. I’m not “energetic”; I don’t feel like I’m eighteen again: I feel hungry as shit and irritable. I want to stick my head into the refrigerator and bite into a block of cheese, or go to Safeway and steal a bucket of General Tso’s. I want to get in the drive-through line at McDonald’s and spend five minutes ordering two of everything on the menu. I want to go to Thai Tom’s and guzzle peanut sauce. I want to inhale—literally breathe in—a bag of Doritos. I want food!
Which is why, tomorrow, at 11:00am PST, I will eat. Or more accurately: I will eat soup. And it will be wonderful. And please don’t call me a quitter, because I am not quitting. I have conquered the three most difficult days in the Master Cleanse program—have eaten no solid foods for three days—and now, having proven my worth, will resume my normal habits in the name of sanity and joie de vivre.
“And on the fourth day he said, ‘Let there be Chipotle.’”
-Wetzler
Tomorrow on Where’s Wetzler?:
Master Cleanse Day 4 Video Update and Final Recap
plus
Boots Gone Wild!: Naked Photos of Chauncey
This entry was written by , posted on at 1:06 am, filed under Ravenna, master cleanse, the boot and tagged bar rafaeli, beyonce, gisele, master cleanse, tony tave, wetzler. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
This entry was written by , posted on December 9, 2008 at 3:03 pm, filed under master cleanse and tagged master cleanse, paris hilton, paul rodriguez, tom brady. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
The folks at Google are way, way smarter than me. When I signed on to G-Mail this morning there was a link at the top for an article on CNN called “Celebrity diet tricks that work (and two that you should avoid).” ?!?!?!?!? How did Google know? I guess they just really pay a lot of attention to my needs. If Google was a person I would date it. Google gets me.
Anyway, guess which is one of the ones you should avoid? The MC, baby! Here’s an exerpt:
9. They cleanse
Ever since Beyoncé admitted to losing 20 pounds on the Master Cleanse — a fast that usually involves at least 10 days of sipping nothing but an elixir of maple syrup, lemon juice, water, and cayenne pepper — Hollywood has been buzzing about the weight-loss technique (also called the lemonade diet). The lemon supposedly acts as a purifier and provides bloat-reducing potassium, the cayenne pepper adds metabolism-boosting B vitamins, and the maple syrup provides the energy needed to get through such a grueling ordeal. “While I wouldn’t recommend doing something so drastic for more than a few days, I can say it works if you want to quickly shed three to five pounds,” Peterson says.
Another popular, less-dramatic cleanse is the 30-day Isagenix program, which involves eating about 1,000 calories a day in the form of shakes and snack bars that contain diuretics like aloe vera. Health.com: Three ways to burn off eggnog
Verdict: Not so fast.
“The first few days, you’re just losing water weight, which is why you may see the scale drop so quickly,” Taub-Dix says. “But it’s counterproductive — all this does is slow down your metabolism, so you’re more apt to regain weight once you stop.” The diuretics also dehydrate you, which is dangerous, especially if you’re working out a lot. “You can become deficient in crucial minerals like sodium and potassium, which affect heart function,” Crum says
Um, cómo se dice, “haters?” Whatever, I feel great (see: decent) and I’m going to ride this thing out for at least a few more days just so I can experience the feelings of energy and euphoria that so many people describe.
-Wetzler
This entry was written by , posted on at 12:42 pm, filed under master cleanse and tagged beyonce, dating, google, master cleanse, mineral deficiency. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Well, folks, day one of the Master Cleanse is officially in the books. I just drank a cup of senna laxative tea and now I’m going to watch a little Entourage, read a little Faulkner, hit the proverbial hay, and hopefully not wake up in my own excrement.
Here are some of the highlights from my notes from day one:
12:48 pm: I feel great! I’m currently riding a sugar high from my first two glasses of master cleanse. Now if I can just ride this feeling for ten days…
2:50 pm: Judging by the widow-maker I just left in the toilet, I don’t think constipation is going to be a problem.
6:05pm: I don’t know what my mom is making downstairs but it smells fucking amazing. Sausage and bread and potatoes and salad. Ugh.
“Harry? We can eat in five minutes.”
Are you kidding me? This is torture.
9:07pm: Watching Entourage and thinking about food. Johnny Drama walks out with a steaming plate above his head: “Hey, want some roast?” Yes, Johnny: I would kill for some roast.
10:26pm: I absent mindedly open the refrigerator door and realize that all of the contents are off limits. My only good-night snack tonight will be a vivid imagination.
See you all tomorrow for Day Two.
-Wetzler
This entry was written by , posted on at 2:17 am, filed under master cleanse and tagged entourage, faulkner, master cleanse. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
This is a before and after snapshot of Beyonce when she did the Master Cleanse:
And now the before of me with a computer-generated “after”:
Before:
After:
The only problem: Beyonce looks way better in the “before” photo. I, on the other hand, look dashing in both.
This entry was written by , posted on December 8, 2008 at 9:11 pm, filed under Capitol Hill, Uncategorized and tagged beyonce, mark wetzler, master cleanse, matt damon. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
My kitchen table adorned with freshly purchased Master Cleanse ingredients from Safeway:
How’d that T-Gel get in there?
So, the actual first sip occurred about 11:30 Pacific Standard Time, but due to the fact that it took forever to find the appropriate Peter Pan music and editing movies with iMovie is like trying to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, I’m just getting it up now:
Be prepared for many more updates like this to come.
****
After filming the video I went downstairs and told my dad how it went.
“The pepper — the pepper makes it kind of gross,” I said. “If it weren’t for the pepper it would be pretty good: it’s got lemon and water and sugar—it’d be kind of like a lemonade.”
“What’s the pepper supposed to do?”
“I don’t know, like BTU’s, or something.”
“That’s British Thermal Units.”
“Oh. Well, I read that somewhere. That must have been someone playing a joke.”
****
As demonstrated by the above conversation, I think the lack of protein in my diet (which supposedly can lead to mental-retardation) is already starting to take effect.
This entry was written by , posted on at 5:27 pm, filed under master cleanse and tagged master cleanse, t-gel. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Today I will embark on a ten day process known as the “Master cleanse.” The Master Cleanse, developed by Stanley Burroughs in the 1940’s, consists of consuming only a mixture of lemon water, organic grade “B” maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for an extended period of time. It has been utilized by such stars as Beyonce Knowles and Jared Leto; Also, as one website points out, “Moses and Jesus both reportedly underwent a pre-Burroughs 40-day version of the diet, not involving lemonade or laxatives.”
Now it’s time to add Mark Wetzler to the list.
The recommended time frame for the cleanse is a minimum of ten days, though apparently some people (otherwise known as “idiots”) do it for up to forty-five. The Master Cleanse is supposed to free your body of nasty toxins and help you to lose weight (generally what happens when you starve yourself). After ten days of the regimen people report “never having felt better” and “having tons of energy.” They feel healthy and exuberant and excited to wake up at seven a.m. and drink salt-water laxatives and guzzle maple syrup by the tablespoonful.
Anyway, at the request of a few faithful readers (read: nay-saying assholes who don’t think I will last a day) I have included below some predictions about what I think will happen over the next week and three days, as well as the predictions of one of the nay-sayers:
Day One: Day one is probably going to be one of the hardest, especially since so far I can’t get my mom to take me to Safeway to buy the ingredients. However, once I have the ingredients, things will surely start to look up and I may even become enthusiastic about only being able to drink a peppery lemon-water sludge for the next ten days.
Days two and three: Days two and three will also probably be really hard. I’ve read that the first three days are the hardest, just how according to Cat Stevens the first “cut” is the deepest. These are the days when your internal organs scream, “What the fuck is going on?” and your stomach revolts by turning itself inside out and tying itself into a granny knot. The upside? Your colon begins to flush itself.
I imagine a sort of vision quest-like experience for these three days, which should make for some interesting videos.
Days four, five, and six: During these days I predict I’ll just be starting to feel awesome. My body will have adjusted, I will have lost a ton of weight, and I’ll have maple syrup oozing out of my pores. Old women passing on the street will stop to sniff me, reminded of sweet molasses cookies from their youth. People at breakfast will say to me, “Hey Mark, we’re running out of Aunt Jemima: Would you mind just smearing your face on my waffles?”
Days seven, eight, nine, and ten: Pure bliss. Floating on air. (This, of course, assuming I have made it this far and haven’t contracted rickets).
Zach’s Predictions:
Day One:
4:15p.m.: “Oh, my god, I am so fucking hungry. I just want to eat. This is horrible.”
4:16p.m.: “Jesus Christ, this is fucking awful. Why am I doing this? I am so fucking hungry.”
4:17p.m.: “I quit. Anybody wanna go to Chipotle?”
Anyway, time to get down to it and show the world what I’m made of. I’m about to make my first glass of maple syrup delight right now. Stay tuned for a video update.
-Wetzler
Master Cleanse ingredients: Note the Organic Smooth Move herbal stimulant laxative sitting on top of the pampers “Clean ‘n Go” adult diapers.
For funny reading concerning the master cleanse and the source of the Moses/Jesus quote, visit: http://calorielab.com/news/2008/07/17/master-cleanse-in-detail/
This entry was written by , posted on at 3:09 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged beyonce, fasting, grade b mayple syrup, jared leto, master cleanse, master cleanse beyonce, moses. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.