For today’s post we continue to cover “Wetzler’s Alcoholic History,” this time skipping a large swath of time (the UW years) to cover India Pale Ales and Pale Ales and the current conundrum he faces trying to move on from these two types beer. We join our intrepid narrator mid-paragraph….
India Pale Ale is sort of like the Led Zeppelin of beers. Just as every guy will at some point in his life go through a Led Zeppelin phase, every guy will at some point in his life be convinced that IPA is the only beer truly worth drinking. When in the IPA phase, its tough to imagine that a better beer could exist. IPA is heavy and thrilling and has an alcohol content that makes you feel badass. Plus it weeds out the people with only a cursory knowledge of beer, as they often won’t know what IPA stands for, just as people with a cursory knowledge of music won’t have listened to anything by Led Zeppelin except “Stairway to Heaven.” But just as we all outgrow our Zep phase, we all outgrow our IPA phase. However, just as Zep will always sound good and you won’t change it when “Black Dog” comes on the radio, IPA will always taste amazing and you’ll never turn down a pint of hoppy goodness when offered.
Logically, Pale Ale would precede one’s India Pale Ale phase, but that’s not how it went for me. My Pale Ale phase came AFTER my IPA phase, and though I wish I could say I have no idea why this is, I know exactly why this is: It’s because of American Pie. If you’ve seen the movie American Pie you might recall a certain scene in which Tara Reid performs a certain service on a certain guy named “Kevin” who may or may not be the actor who played the kid in “Rookie of the Year” who breaks his arm and who, when healed, is able to throw fastballs that make J.J. Putz’s heater look like Jamie Moyer’s changeup. Anyway, much like a Putz wild pitch, in the movie Kevin “closes” erratically into a nearby keg cup which contains a medium amount of beer. At some point later in the party someone (Sitfler, I think) drinks said beer, is made fun of, and promptly pukes. The most cutting remark during the whole fiasco is: “Hey Stifler, how’s the Pale Ale?”
Now, there’s no reason this semi-unremarkable scene from a wholly ridiculous movie should have made me leary of drinking Pale Ale for the next six or so years, but that’s exactly what it did. Some part of my subconscious decided that Pale Ale either (a) tasted like sperm or (b) was only be drunk by guys who liked the taste of sperm. Even after I started drinking India Pale Ale, I still held on to this association. I assumed the two beers were only loosely related. Then, at some point, I gave Pale Ale a try, and much to my delight (and relief) found it didn’t taste like sperm, but merely like a tamer version of IPA. Indeed, Pale Ale is sort of like India Pale Ale’s mild-mannered cousin. Whereas IPA is the guy in the bathroom getting a blowjob from the school’s only goth chick, Pale Ale is the guy on the couch making of fun of people that listen to Linkin Park but who will most likely will go home without so much as a make out sesh. I can be the guy on the couch, but I can’t and don’t even really want to be the guy in the bathroom, as much as it is sometimes to fun to romanticize “letting loose” and going “completely bat-shit crazy.” I am more of a pale Ale guy, which is why I now drink Manny’s almost exclusively. The other day I was at Contour and I drank a pint of Manny’s followed by a pint of Pilsner Urquell. When drinking the Manny’s, before every sip I would inhale deeply and compulsively, much like a crack addict, to sample its fruity bouquet. When it came time for the Pilsner I did the same thing and instantly regretted it. The Pilsner smelled like a bottle of liquid flatulence.
However, I am finally coming out of my Pale Ale phase, which means I must find a new beer to become obsessed with. As far as I’m concerned, the options are limited. I can’t be a lager guy. I mean, let’s be real: Who actually sits down to ENJOY a lager? When I meet people and they tell me they “love” Heineken I automatically assume the person (a) is a douche bag or (b) has a large tub of hair gel sitting on the counter of his bathroom (which would make him a douche bag). Lager is good for getting drunk, but it’s not GOOD beer. It’s not something you buy when you want something to savor while you watch the sun set.
I could drink Stout, but I’m not a big stout fan. Porter is OK but they all seem the same to me. Hefeweizen? I actually am going to try to delve a little deeper into this genre after realizing this fall in Germany that white beer extended beyond Widmer and Pyramid’s versions of Hefeweizen, both of which turned me off before I could really experience what weissbiers had to offer. Then there are your winter ales, your spring ales, your summer ales, your ambers…. Blah blah blah. Same shit, different companies. I want something I can latch onto! something I can love as much as I have IPAs and Pale Ales!
I guess the only way to do this is to drink tons of different kinds of beers, pretty much all of the time.
Happy hour tomorrow?
This entry was written by , posted on April 15, 2009 at 2:04 pm, filed under alcohol and tagged bridgeport, budweiser, deschutes, india pale ale, ipa, port townsend brewery. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.