everyone — a quick word about St. Patrick’s day:
First off, I want you all to be safe. Drinking green beer is fun, but do you know what they use to make the green beer green? Formaldehyde. And mercury. Also, when you’re doing Irish car bombs tonight, make sure you don’t tip your pint glasses up too quickly because the shot glass might slide up and chip your teeth. I’ve heard of them actually being banned in places for this reason. Also, don’t drink and drive. Or drink and ride busses. Or drink and walk really fast. If you’re going to drink and indulge in any form of transportation, make sure it’s either walking slowly or tiptoeing. If I see a bunch of you tiptoeing down the AVE later I’ll know you got this memo in time.
Secondly, if you should find yourself talking to a member of the opposite sex tonight and he/she is not wearing green and you want to pinch him/her to be flirty but aren’t really sure if you should do it — definitely do it! Nothing bad can come of it, and a night of gratuitous sex possibly can. Remember: Love is blind, but not color blind.
Thirdly, and this isn’t really my recommendation but more of a recommendation from the Seattle Police Department: Do not drink in public. However, since you’re going to anyway, let me tell you a good place to go. Down by Portage Bay just south of the Health Sciences buildings in the University of Washington there is a rock retaining wall that has about three feet of beach between it and the waters of Portage Bay. I went there two days ago with a friend and we sat wedged up against the wall and drank beer we had recently purchased at a convenience store while we felt the breeze come off the water and watched boats go by. It was uncomfortable, it was cold, and I’m 25-years-old. However, the day I stop drinking in public is the day I move to Provo, Utah and become a eunuch. The deviance felt while drinking in public is the only reason to do it. If they ever legalize it and do away with the $38 dollar tickets they currently give out if you got caught I’m sure I’d never do it again. Except maybe at Madison Park. In the summer.
Fourthly, don’t go to Kells tonight. That place is so fucking lame. They’re charging $20 bucks to get in to watch some shitty “Irish” bands play shitty Irish “folk” music, and all you get for the $20 is some shitty t-shirt, overpriced drinks, the company of Neanderthals, and, like I just explained, the opportunity to listen to shitty music.
Fifthly, I’m sort of just rambling right now so I can get up to saying “seventhly” and “eighthly.”
Sixthly, you probably shouldn’t go to Fado, either. That place is lame.
Seventhly, yes, saying “seventhly” was pretty satisfying, but I have a feeling saying “eighthly” will be even better.
Eighthly, I was right.
Have fun!
-Wetzler
This entry was written by , posted on March 17, 2009 at 4:31 pm, filed under alcohol and tagged bars, beer, nightlife, party, seattle, st. patrick's day. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.