Beautiful Roses, Cheap Emeralds
Why Portland Kicks the Pants Off Seattle
by Barry’s Babysitter
When thinking about how to explain to you that Portland is better than Seattle, I first thought about all the obvious shit. For example, Seattle (as a result of its higher population) is uglier, has worse traffic, and has rich people who are disgustingly richer and poor people who are devastatingly poorer. Meanwhile, Portland has the most strip clubs per capita of any other city and has been called “perhaps the most European of American cities” (Check. Mate.) But in case you’re still not convinced of Portland’s epicness, I offer you three more random reasons Portland will forever hold Seattle firmly by the neck in an epic full-nelson of awesomeness:
1. Our mayor is gay. i have no idea who the mayor of Seattle is, but I’m guessing NOT GAY. And if that’s not gonna impress you, does the Seattle city hall ever throw parties, open to the public, with FREE BEER? Didn’t think so.
Ed’s note: Stunning. Photo: seattleblog.net
2. Having the ginormous University of Washington placed so close to downtown means that there’s an unbelievably high douchebag concentration in metropolitan Seattle. Portland was wise enough to make its huge state school down south, where frat houses and football riots can be safely contained within the cornfields……
Ed’s note: Lame
3. You gave birth to the global plague known as STARBUCKS! OK OK, that’s a tired argument. After all, you’re host to other less evil coffee companies, right? Sure, for example, TULLY’s. You know, the company that bought the Rainier brewery, took off the famous red “R” (always my favorite part of long and annoying car trips to Seattle because I knew we were finally about to arrive) and threw on that stupid GREEN “T.” Sure, Portland is host to some corporate losers as well, but they’re tucked away in the suburbs and haven’t hijacked any famous local landmarks…..
So there you have it. if you’re still not convinced, get your ass down to Portland and see for yourself. just make sure you stay the hell out of the Pearl District….
Barry’s Babysitter also writes for Import Tuner, Dog Fancy, and Field & Stream. She also has a published ‘zine making fun of bike messengers, which can be read at the Multnomah County Public Library.
This entry was written by , posted on February 26, 2009 at 5:06 pm, filed under The Better-than Column and tagged barry, party, portland better than seattle, rainier beer, white mike. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.