que viva mexico, cabrones!

There has never been a better time than now to go to Mexico…if you want to get beheaded or made into soup. I jest! I jest! I’m actually being serious. There really has never been a better time to go to Mexico, and here’s why:

1) You’ll probably get laid. Actually, you probably won’t, but sex sells and I needed to get your attention. You might get laid, though — I don’t know how you are with the ladies/mans.

2) Though not as much as a few months ago, the dollar is currently killing the peso. When I studied in Mexico City in 2006 it was about 10 pesos to the dollar. Now it’s about 13. Party.

3) You’re not going to get hurt. The drug dealers do not care about you. Also: the places you’re thinking of going are not major conflict zones. Unless—Oh, shit—you’re going to Ciudad Juarez? What’s that? The entire goal of your vacation is to see if you can put yourself on the front lines of the Drug War and take down some of those narco bastards yourself?

In that case: Watch out.

4) Number four is the best reason, and it goes like this: Mexico has long been considered one of the safest and most desirable tourist destinations in the Western Hemisphere for North Americans seeking beaches and relaxation. It’s right up there with Hawaii, Costa Rica, and Florida. Because it has long seemed like a safer and more desirable place than say, Nicaragua, you get a lot of people going to Mexico that would never feel “comfortable” traveling anywhere else. AKA a lot of douche bags. But now everyone’s terrified of Mexico! Now every sorority girl this side of the Rio Grande is convinced the drug dealers want nothing more than to turn her into a fresh batch of carnitas. Let me stress this again: The drug dealers do not care about you. They care about killing other drug dealers, and killing police officers, and killing members of the Mexican military. They’re not hanging out on the beaches of Cabo dressed as venders trying to swindle piña colada-drinking girls named “Britney” into swallowing packets of cocaine to then be smuggled across the border.

Though that would probably be a decent plan.

Anyway, go to Mexico, and if you really want to have a good time, stay inland. You’ll (probably) be fine.