“ha ha” yourself

So you’re getting into this whole Intranet thing and you want to know the ropes. You just set up a Gmail account and you’re pretty excited to be getting mail, but are nonplussed when you get your first piece of “Spam.” A huge breakthrough comes when you have your first ever “chat” on Gmail. Suddenly Gchat is all you can do. You can’t get enough. But it’s still unfamiliar territory to you. The “BRBs” and TTYLs” have got you a bit confused. The thing that confuses you the most, however, is internet laughter. Specifically the “ha’s.” At first you were uncomfortable with even writing out “ha’s” to denote laughter. “That seems contrived,” you thought. But gradually you broke down and eventually you did your first one. “Ha ha ha,” you wrote. “Dude, did you just put spaces between your ‘ha’s?’” your friend asked. You suddenly feel like an Internet Apatosaurus. “How the hell am I supposed to ‘ha?’” you wonder. Well, start off with a little reading:

THE WHERE’S WETZLER GUIDE TO “HA”s

Ha – The single “ha” spans the gamut between sarcasm and the consolatory laugh. If a person has given you a single “ha” they’re either A) Making fun of you, B) Know you expect a laugh and don’t want things to get awkward, or C) Trying to express the most minimal amount of amusement. They could also be sleeping with your girlfriend. The point is this: Beware the single “ha” and beware the single “ha-er.” Used sparingly it can be effective, but overused it can ruin relationships.

Hah — This “ha” has gotten me out of so many jams. The “h” at the end initially seems like an accident. Half the time I type it people probably think it is. But if you know your “ha”s there are no accidents – just icy cold emotional detachment. The person you’re talking to didn’t say something funny enough to warrant a “haha” but you don’t want to hurt their feelings with a “ha?” Bam—give ‘em the “hah.” No feelings hurt, and no integrity sacrificed laughing at a lame joke.

Haha – The double “ha.” A most perfect entity. Your classic laugh. This is the “ha” you will use 67% of the time (if we’re rounding up to the nearest whole number). Anything that is funny enough to garner a laugh (not a real laugh, of course; You’re still silent for the double “ha”) but not so funny that you’re beside yourself, doubled over and slapping your knee. The beauty of the double “ha” lies in its versatility. You CAN use it for the beside yourself doubled over scenario, but it would amateurish (and frankly, somewhat irresponsible). Just remember the golden rule: if something funny has been said but air has not physically escaped from your body in the form of a chuckle or laughter, the double “ha” is your “ha.”

(See ENDNOTE for “Miscellaneous ‘Ha’s”)

Hahaha – All right. Now you’re starting to have a good time. You’re letting your hair down a bit. Maybe you’re even flirting—I don’t know what the hell you do on the internet. The triple “ha” means something pretty awesome just happened¹. You’re probably not actually laughing sitting on your couch or your computer chair, but you’re close. You may have chuckled, or let out a slight guffaw. If you were born after the year 1985 (or are just lame) there’s a chance you typed in the letters “LOL.” Either way, the triple “ha” signifies genuine comedic material.

Hahahaha – Get ready, ‘cause it’s belly laugh time. I’m talking Seinfeld-esque comedic weapons-grade uranium. The quadruple “ha” is not to be thrown around lightly. In fact, unless you’ve been internet chatting for at least a few years, don’t even touch it. If you’re using the quadruple “ha” you’re putting your reputation on the line, so the shit better be funny. Think about the hardest time you laughed reading David Sedaris’s Me Talk Pretty One Day (probably in the chapter “You Can’t Kill the Rooster” or “Me Talk Pretty One Day”). Whatever just made you “hahahaha” better be comparable.

Anything over “Hahahaha,” or “Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha
hahhahahahahahahahhahahahahhahah
ahahahahahhahahahahaha” – I once, no joke, filled up the equivalent of twelve single spaced pages with “ha”s. It’s OK, I know what the fuck I’m doing. Anything above four “ha”s, however, and you’ve entered “expert” realm. I can’t really coach you here. Hopefully, though, if you’ve made it this far, you don’t really need coaching. You probably get laid constantly. Complete strangers probably recognize you on the street. You probably have groupies.

With a great amount of “ha”s comes great responsibility. Thomas Jefferson once said, “An association of men who will not quarrel with one another is a thing which has never yet existed, from the greatest confederacy of nations down to a town meeting or a vestry.” I don’t really know how that fits in here, but it’s a fucking awesome quote. What on earth is a vestry? Is it a group of men standing around wearing vests? ANYWAY, the point is this: have fun with your “ha”s, but be frugal. We’re in the midst of a recession, and the last thing anyone needs is reckless “ha”s. I mean, in this economy…

¹Unless, of course, you’re overly liberal with your “ha”s, and dole them out like the pamphleteers at Westlake that thrust shit in everyone’s faces. Don’t be overly liberal with your “ha”s. You’re not going to get on anyone’s good side. You’re not going to make the joke funnier. You’re just going to cause a goddamned scene.

ENDNOTE: There are a lot of other ways to “ha” that for purposes of coherence will not be covered in this post. There’s the “hehehe,” which is awful, and the aforementioned spaced “ha,” whose prevalence is waning. A Mexican girl I talk to online even gives me the “ho ho ho,” which was kind of endearing around Christmas time but now is just kind of weird. I myself like to throw in the Spanish “jajaja” because I think it looks hilarious, and sometimes even get crazy with the French “ha” which I was told by a half-French (and whole gorgeous) girl named Soizic is just a successive string of lowercase “LOL”s i.e. “lolololo” (insert joke about the French being ridiculous). Get creative. Have some fun with it. And remember: you’re always safe with the double “ha.”